Jokes to laugh at

 

'Take only ONE .. God is watching'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 

"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
 
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 

Red Light

A driver travelling ignoring Red Lights at a signal.
Cop - Didn't you see the Red light?

Driver - Sorry sir, I saw the red light but I did not see you standing here.
 
Mother in Law

Mother in Law to Daughter in law: "Listen I don't mean to offend you dear, but my grandson doesn't look like my son at all hmmmmm ............... !!"

Daughter in Law to Mother in Law: "Mom , sorry but I have a vagina between my legs and not a photocopy machine ahhhhhhh .............. !!!!
 

Good Bye Dad

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
 
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died.
 
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
 
The next day the grandmother died.
 
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
 
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
 
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
 
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
 
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
 
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
 
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning 
our neighbour James dropped dead on our Porch."
 

At the Heaven

When St.Peter was at the Pearly Gates, three priest were sent up to heaven to be admitted on their repentance. The first priest was asked how many women he slept with and he answered that it was just one. St.Peter assigned him to a Luxury car and said that he would be using that while he is in heaven. The second answered that he slept with three and he was given a semi luxury car. The third was given an english mini as he said he has slept with ten women.
 
While the three priests got into their respective vehicles and were driving around heaven.all of a sudden they saw a familiar face passing by in a bicyle.
To their amasement, it was none other than Pope.
 
Drunk Driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
 
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
 
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''